saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
