We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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