All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
