aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
