I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
BRING THE BAGELS
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
