we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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