I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
