I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
