We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
