found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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