I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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