i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My bed smells like the plague
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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