Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He passed out mid-signature
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
