When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
