on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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