just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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