You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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