Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
