we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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