Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
