I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think I just sharted jello shots
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
