Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
