I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
