I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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