Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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