I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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