i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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