I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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