The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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