This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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