just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
