Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
only if we run a train.
done.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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