Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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