i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
