My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
