We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
