You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
