My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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