end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
