Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
