she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
if i died would you start the facebook group?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
