I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Pants are for mortals
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
