I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
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