If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
