The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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