He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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