this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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