Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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