dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
