Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
